Monday, 28 January 2013

Chapter 25: It's a girl

This is the conclusive chapter of this "blog-book". It would be a shame to start from the end. Like watching Doctor Who from the last series backwards. Please go to chapter one, and start as you should start any book and have some self respect. Thank you for visiting.

Chapter @% (25): It's a girl

Mr BooHoo sat on the toilet and took a long wizz, looking between his thighs at the rising steam caused by the difference of temperature. We keep calling him a "he", not because we are following some silly stereotype about the superiority of our dick-owning fellow humans but because at the beginning of our little narrative it made much more sense to have a character named "Mr" than "Mrs", or "Miss", or "mademoiselle" and also so as to avoid some stupid stereotypes associating moodiness with vaginas. Truth is he is most probably a penis-loving little lady. Not that he does not instinctively follow with his gaze the first round bum or a nice pair of jiggling titties when they pass in front of him but he became aroused more easily with the feel of a firm "disco stick" ( says it is a valid synonym for penis). So "he" was going through a semi-violent attack of pms that made him want to organize everything in nice, square shapes and separate things by color and function. He also felt he was a very confused girl. Career-wise things were "undefined", monetary things averted him, no good jobs as somebody's employe were available and sometimes he thought he might want a baby. Perhaps this thought might have been planted by his gynecologist. Perhaps there really is a stupid-clock-thing about maternity.
 He knew, with certainty, he wanted to eat a banana and chocolate spread sandwich. He thought this was a sign of clouded judgement.
 Mr BooHoo sometimes dreamt he had a baby. In every dream something absurd went wrong. When he thought well about it he considered all the things he wanted to do before he became a mother. You already know his mother issues from a previous chapter. But he took rather good care of his dog, his little house and his partner. And things were going slow anyway. Yet, he did not really have any free time to himself and if  he made a baby he would have to sacrifice some of his important occupations. This, he found scary. And still he thought about it more than he would like to. The thought was there and as if this was not enough he was in the middle of a baby boom. Some of the people who were having children were actually nice. They had potential of bringing nice people to this world. The world of motherhood had a strange charm for him. Raising a child should have some very nice moments too. But what about adolescence? How the fuck do you get by with a child during puberty? He or she should disagree with you so that you know it is starting to think for itself but what would you be prepared to argue about and still tolerate, love and admire the other person? And what about him? Sometimes mothers stop being themselves and become somebody's mothers. Why did he want it so much?
 So there you go. I'll leave you there, dick in hand, because this story has huge resemblances with reality, even though all characters and incidents are fictional. You have it : a story of unsuccessful living.     

Sunday, 6 January 2013

24th chapter: comic relief

Chapter@$ (24): Why you shouldn't eat fruit and drink milky coffee before a job interview

    Mr BooHoo was neatly dressed. He had on nice green pants and a yellow shirt and was sitting quietly on a yellow chair by a red table, on the porch of an art-studio. It was a mild, although somewhat windy evening of the last week of August. Mr BooHoo was patiently waiting for a possible employer to arrive  and he was experiencing a rather embarrassing and droll situation.
    He had been there for the first time in June of the same year, for an interview about the position of an art-tutor at the previously mentioned studio, that is situated in one of the most posh suburbs of the capital city. That time, in order to get there, he had taken a bus, got off at the last stop and then walked. It had been a poor choice because it had taken him almost two hours to arrive and was therefor a quarter of an hour late for his appointment. He did not get the job but was offered a position as a teacher of knitting instead.
   This time he started earlier and took the subway and then a bus that left him much closer to his destination and thus he was half an hour early, which is how his unfortunate adventure begun.
   Due to various reasons he found himself deprived from proper sleep for four days. As a consequence coffee was his best friend, so as to cope with his hectic schedule. After lunch he had three hours until he would start coming here and he knew that a nap would be more harmful than helpful, as he would wake up with a heavy head. Instead he decided to watch a film and relax. He also had a cup of coffee. He watched "Guildenstern and Rosencrantz are dead" and he liked it so much he felt optimistic. He put on the clothes mentioned in the beginning of this chapter, grabbed his backpack, a map of the district where he was heading and then made a mistake. Mr BooHoo ate a peach.
   All was well until he got into the subway but whilst in there he felt an ominous movement of his stomach. He thought it was stressed induced and that it would go away. Alas, it didn't and when he got on the bus it became acute and spread to his lower abdomen. Now, he could say with certainty that the fruit and the coffee were having a violent disagreement in his bowels. By the time he got off the bus he really had to use the toilet.
   Having to poop before a job interview is a  fearsome state of affairs. Since he arrived so much earlier he thought he could ask to go to the loo and hope it would not be too close to the employer's office. When he got there, there was no one to open the door for him! He was all alone in this ugly neighborhood with similar, big houses and meticulously shaped bushes, with his tummy aching and hopeless. We are talking about bad luck. He decided to take a walk and search for a coffee-house.
   Eventually, not very far he came across a commercial street with shops, restaurants and cafeterias. Now he had to choose carefully. It had to be a not crowded place, that served coffee so that he could get something cheap and small and use the lavatory. Not an easy thing to find among these overpriced, sassy joints. He could not afford to pay a fiver just for a dump. Finally he found a cute little cafe, ordered a hazelnut-flavored latte and went to the wc. It was all-right and after he did a dirty-trick in there, took his coffee and headed back for his interview. The time passed, he was still alone and his belly started hurting again. He was getting furious! A little longer and he would think of going to the back yard and leave a nasty surprise for them, among their carefully groomed bushes.
   This is where we found him at the outset of our story.
   After a while the directress of the establishment showed up from the back yard, looking for him. She had changed the location of her office and had failed to inform him. The idiot!